Bravery In Action
Risk is fraught with potential; for growth, harm, development, pain and learning. It is a call of life's abundance that beckons us into the incremental journey toward competency. It takes awareness to recognize the constant invitation of what could be, and it takes courage to embrace the risk of potential, or the bravery associated with a next and new stage of becoming. We are all creatives, using our imaginations to try and predict where our choices might lead or what could happen ‘if’… and it is in the ‘if’ we find the adventure. “What if,” is where it all begins.
To a child an opportunity presents itself as enticing and full of endless potential, not to mention potential for fun. They do not have the foresight, wisdom, or experience to contextualize or rationalize, they simply are present as they approach the wonder within potential. Recently, I was talking with a family friend, Bob Goff, and he shared a great story with me about an adventure that centered on one of his children, a son who at the time was five years old. They were on a family vacation aboard a large boat moored in an inlet. Attached was a small dinghy with a pull start engine and small handle used to steer. In the distance was an island, a perfect place for a young explorer to navigate and learn how to fare the seas...alone. Bob’s son was secured in life jackets, lowered into his seaworthy dinghy, and instructed to steer his boat around the island and return. Here is where the ‘what if’ can begin or end potential, growth, development, and learning. What if he fell out of the dinghy? What if he washed up on the shore? What if a shark was hungry, bit into the boat and ate the child? Our imaginations when wedded to fear can create all manner of false reality, and justify our attempts to control and protect those we love. Bob’s ‘what if’ chose adventure. It chose the amazing trust in the value for incremental competency building. Bob finished telling me his story with, “That boy left a five year old on his dinghy, and returned a twenty two year old.”
Strategy and wisdom, along with an openness to risk as a parent is key when one approaches the next steps of growth that come with each new year in our child’s life. Bob knew that he prepared his son for the slight, but possible chance he would fall into the water, referring to him as a human buoy. He recognized that the boat could run onto the shore, and if that happened he would not see his son return from the far side of the island and would go and find him. He also knew that where they were, there was no open sea into which his son might be swept. The overwhelming message his son received that day from his father was, “I trust you. You are able to do things that you do not even realize you are capable of doing. I love you and I want you to see all that is in you. Here is an adventure where we can practice.”
My six year old daughter was not confident or courageous by nature, if anything the opposite. She was quick to fear and would back down from a challenge at the first sign of discomfort or anxiety. As a recovering anxiety ridden individual myself, I understood her struggle, and wanted her to choose when to engage something that scared her instead of “forcing her before she was ready”. Understandable, but not helpful. I had to recognize that these ‘adventures’ were as much about my fears as they were about hers. If I was not confident and ready to engage risk, she certainly wouldn’t and I would let her off because she wasn’t quite ready. We would both breathe a sigh of relief and go back to doing safe things.
By intentionally engaging with my own fear I began to recognize that once I had decided an activity, event, or new skill was too big and scary for her (us) to approach, the longer we avoided it, the more solidified that belief became, and the more ways we found to justify not taking the risk. The power of our fear has a way of digging our heels in even deeper to avoid and hide from potential harm. The solution for our daughter was to face my own fear, learn to be awake and aware, and find incremental steps toward competency. We actively engaged her where she felt the most fear, and we did it consistently.
The desire for growth and the acquisition of skill naturally exists in children, and I, as a parent have learned so much from watching that desire expand and be expressed within my children. My daughter was 4 when she decided she wanted to ride a bike. She told us what she wanted to do, and as a parent, I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I could imagine all sorts of things going wrong. I knew she was quick to fear and was developing a habit of giving up when something became difficult. But we listened to her desire, and the next day began practicing this new skill. As soon as she realized that she could potentially fall, get hurt, and that the challenge of riding a bike was far greater than she expected, she wanted to be done. The struggle I had to face in myself was to protect her, and allow her (and my) fear and discomfort to overshadow what her initial desire had been. I knew she could learn, and I knew it would not be easy, but with my husband's kind encouragement and dedication to this opportunity for growth, we got her back onto the bike.
The process took three days, but they were long days, filled with tears, scrapes, and frustration. On the third day as she tried again, she turned, stopped and caught herself all on her own. Now she was beaming. I asked her, “What are you feeling right now?” She responded, “Joy!”
A month later she told us she wanted to bike to grandma’s house, so she and her daddy rode their bikes twelve miles, down back roads and across busy streets and finally arrived at grandma’s house, just as she had wanted. She did it! Not only had she acquired a deeper understanding for how hard the journey of learning can be, but had a gift of realizing how far she had come.
Bike riding was the gateway into future adventures into courage and we could always remind her and build upon her significant accomplishments. It illustrates for her the story we can tell ourselves about fear and struggle, but how persistence and continuing to get back on the bike resulted in her becoming a skilled rider and overcomer of fear.
Every day I look for small opportunities to practice overcoming. One day, while sitting at a coffee shop finishing her schoolwork, I asked her if she would like a treat. She sat up with instant curiosity and a wide smile as I handed her five dollars.
“The donut shop is across the street. You may get some but you have to do it yourself.”
This is practice in competency, building on the work that we had already done with her. I asked her to tell me how to cross the street and she told me she would, “wait for the cross sign to come on and look to make sure the cars were stopping.” I gave her a nod and off she went. I watched the entire time as she was always in plain sight, and she carried herself as if she was on a mission, alone, to get a beloved treat. Her shoulders were back, head high, and she was aware of everything going on around her. She was the one who had to quickly decide how to stay safe, to make sure the cars stopped and the sign was on, to check and see if any cars were turning and might not see her. She safely reached the other side and walked into the shop.
Yes, I am aware others are not used to seeing a six year old walking alone down a sidewalk and into a shop, and I slowly followed to the other side. I reached the shop just as she walked out with change in one hand and a bag in the other.
“Mommy, I asked them how many donuts I could buy with my five dollars and they gave me three. I chose chocolate, cinnamon sugar, and I am most excited to try the waffle flavor. They said it was seasonal.”
We walked back to our seats in front of the coffee shop and she savored her donuts, and shared a small taste of each with me. She was in control, she had made good decisions, she had bought the treats herself and she was proud. Another incremental and successfully embraced risk that we can build upon.
‘What if,’ is a crossroad between desiring what is ‘safest’ for our children and holding them too close, or actively engaging opportunities to encourage incremental steps toward competency. Strategy is key; start small when the child is young and their curiosity is blooming. Be aware of children’s natural desires and let those guide the direction of growth, and with constant encouragement our children will grow and experience an adventurous life.